Fear & Loathing

I could not move. My thoughts were clear and I could almost read his, but I was paralyzed. La Safer was inches from my face, mocking me, laughing in disgust. His dark wings were fully extended, as were his fangs, I felt dwarfed by his size and intent. Still, he did not touch me; he made no attempt to express his contempt violently. That’s when I understood that this visit was about fear and the promise of the pain to come. This was about re-asserting the control he felt was assured with my making. As I relaxed his words became clear.

“I think this is what I find most disappointing about you my son. You have so much ability, so much promise.” At this his express softened. “But, I suppose there is an eventuality to your actions. I know I have disappointed my father, but in betraying you your apprentice has proven himself loyal and deserving of the place I have set for you. Did you honestly feel that you could exercise discretion with these abilities, that you could lend some nobility to feeding on mankind? This was about so much more, but you have abdicated your responsibility and with it the power that was promised. I shall enjoy seeing Antonio take from you what is now his.”

His eyes widened as my mouth curled into a smile. “This attempt to poison my senses with fear is admirable but ultimately flawed. I know you are powerful, but I have observed the relationship between power and mortals and I have come to understand that key in these relationships is a desire by those who become disadvantaged to give up something in the exchange. I refuse to engage you on your terms and I feel certain that if it were within your will or power to introduce me to my end that I would have met it by now. So, send your favored Antonio to do your biding, but I promise you it is I who will take from him what I am entitled too.” La Safer’s expression and mood darkened as I continued. “I’m sure, we both have much to do.”

I opened my eyes and found Elizabeth sitting across the room. Her eyes were fixed on me, but her thoughts were elsewhere.

“You should get some rest.”

“Yes.” She said forcing a smile and straightening herself in the chair. “I just felt that we should not both be asleep.”

“Fear is one of their weapons. We must make them earn their advantage.”

She lowered her head as she spoke. “Of course. I saw your body tense for a few moments but then you became so peaceful.”

“Yes, I spoke to La Safer.”

“You what, how?” She asked sitting forward.

“He came to me in a dream. It was intended as a warning I suppose, but it turned out to be quite instructive. I am beginning to understand that there is a lot at stake in our struggle. More than our existences, and I have inadvertently chosen a side. Ironically it is a choice I would have thought was impossible, because of our dark abilities.” I left the warmth and comfort of the bed and put on a luxurious cotton robe before parting the drapes of our room and allowing in some of the fading light. “My part in this matter has been decided.” I continued with my back to her. “But I must ask your feelings on this because I feel that the road ahead will be filled with treachery and death, perhaps even for us. So, if you desire some existence beyond this moment and you are not committed to this course I do understand. In fact, it is I who is their focus-”

“Please Nicholas.” She interrupted, her face moist with tears. “Even if I were not loyal to you, it is clear that I would only be another means of inflicting some sort of pain or punishment on you. I fear you are stuck with me.”

“Good.” I said turning to face her. “It is time we signal our own intent.”

The Game

Elizabeth did not appear to be thriving in her new surroundings. She was certainly capable of more emotion than Antonio thought and I felt what I saw in her was at least in some small measure, remorse. As we sat in the quiet corner of a restaurant, not far from the harbor, she related the hours of terror while I was away. She spoke of Antonio and evil possession and managed a little smile at the irony since we are, after all, not quite creatures of light. I studied her body language and her eyes as she spoke and was struck by more than just her words. There was something in her manner I had never sensed before, fear.

Eli had joined us as well, but even though he had been in my presence he had not spoken to me since before the incident on my estate in Trinidad. Perhaps I had chosen not to hear what he had to say. There was concern in his eyes, and not only for Elizabeth.

I reached across the table for her slightly shaking, gloved hand and she let out a breath that seemed to relax her some. She had been talking for almost an hour, filling me in on every detail, intent but not quite desperate to convince me of her innocence in the events. As our half filled cups of tea cooled before us I had heard enough.

“So. He says he was summoned by a Mr. La Safer?”

“Yes.”

“And he believes he can become the most powerful of our kind with La Safer’s help?”

“Yes…after meeting with him, he was changed. He let me go and said I was not worthy. I could return to you if that was my desire he said almost sincerely.”

“I see.” I said, as some concern tainted my expression.

“There is more.” She said, becoming troubled once again by my expression.

“Go on.”

“He says that La Safer is disappointed with you and that he is destined to lead our kind…that you need not bother looking for him. He will find you.”

“Interesting.” I said, just above a whisper. My mysterious maker had reached out to my protégé and he was now convinced of his superiority.

“Have you seen La Safer?”

“I have not. But, I have seen his influence on Antonio.” She said looking around and holding herself as though chilled by the memory.

“Since I was allowed to leave, I feel followed by a constant presence.” She continued. “I am not used to this. Something is hunting me…”

“Do you feel this presence now?”

“Yes.”

“So do I. I felt it before we entered the harbor. When I saw you, I thought perhaps it was just your presence that I felt, but…there is something more at work here.”

“What do we do?” She asked, pleading with her eyes. I studied her and decided that this uncertainty and fear diminished her and made her abilities less effective. It was part of their game. Fear is contagious and debilitating and it was only their opening salvo.

“Where you’re staying now is not safe. We must find a new place. I will get you new things.” I said smiling. “We have extraordinary spirits but we are still somewhat limited by our mortal forms. It means that this game, that they have initiated, has its limits. I believe that our disadvantage is not as sever as it may appear.”

We needed to counter our enemies and were about to embark on another quest. One that would, eventually, lead us back to the Caribbean and more unlikely allies.

Exile

I exiled myself from the islands that I had grown to love and where I had felt truly at home. Before I could return I needed to embark on a quest to purge the world of others of my kind and anyone or thing that would stand in my way. When I allowed my reason to resurface I knew it was unlikely that Elizabeth was a part of Antonio’s plot, but her absence spoke to either her death or consent. Antonio though, was my primary focus. Before I had re-made him, he was content with his work and life on the island. But he had been unhappy for some time and seemed to long for a location more befitting of his supernatural status.

It was easy for Antonio to return to Spain, but he would risk chance encounters with family and acquaintances from his previous life. Passage to England was even simpler as ships left Port of Spain every week for the colony. Antonio was well prepared. I know this because I had delivered goods for transport on a ship he was most likely on. His attack was cunning, brazen and unexpected. Were I not his target I might even have allowed myself some admiration. His intent was not only to kill, but to inflict as much pain as possible and he was successful. I had paid a hefty price for underestimating him. The counter though, is that he too had underestimated me and that mistake would also be fatal.

He knew that if I survived I would have to put my ‘house’ in order before I found for him. I was definitely enraged, but I was also very pragmatic. I had considerable land holdings and financial interests and understood the importance of these matters in my protracted existence. Antonio understood this as well and had stolen enough from me to make, another, new start for himself. Two weeks after Kayla’s death I boarded an ocean liner for Port Elizabeth, England.

The weeks spent on the open sea were challenging for me. I had controlled my blood lust for nearly two decades with Kayla. Satisfying my bloodlust within the confines of a floating hotel, without arousing suspicion was infinitely more difficult. I wish I could say that I didn’t feed, that a number of persons are not resting at the ocean’s floor as a result. But this is not a work of fiction.

What makes my particular condition unique is that I struggle to recapture a humanity that moves further beyond my grasp with each passing moment. I no longer have the ability to have casual experiences, to compartmentalize…I am present and clear in all that I do and everything I experience. I have total recall, which means I can never escape my actions. I see every face in my dreams and sometimes I am not even asleep when I have these visions. It is the invisible price we pay for our abilities and for me the most difficult to manage.

As we neared Port Elizabeth the scent of salt in the air mixed with the scent of food, body odor and something beyond human. More powerful than any other smell was the scent of others…like me. It was more than just a scent, which I cannot describe beyond calling it familiar. It was a knowing that profoundly affected my being.

When we docked, I gathered my things and couldn’t shake the feeling of another attempting to make contact, trying to plant an image in my mind. England was indeed better suited to us. The consistent gray cloud cover and the cooler climate imitated twilight. Still, I preferred the Caribbean or at least this is what I convinced myself.

I could feel my chest tighten as I walked along the dock. The emotion felt like fear, but it was something else…anticipation. I turned and caught the gloved hand that was about to tap me on the shoulder. I released the hand and stood perfectly still, astonished by the sight before me.

“Hello Nicholas.” Elizabeth said, bowing her head.

Betrayal

It had come to this. I wanted to believe that Antonio’s sudden change in disposition was genuine. That he finally understood what I was trying to accomplish. But it turned out he was simply biding his time, waiting for the appropriate moment to effect his plan.

Kayla was beginning to master her hunger, which was very impressive considering that Elizabeth was either unable or unwilling to do the same. I had not experienced any emotion I could identify as love for a long time but our relationship was deepening and becoming more than just a catalyst for my change.

It is said that when all your stars seem to be aligned you should be most vigilant. In retrospect I should have been more circumspect then. On the morning that it all changed something in my spirit was troubled. Antonio was now more adept at masking his feelings from me still there was a foreboding, which I dismissed.

I had asked Kayla to accompany me into town but she, had not fed a voraciously as was her custom and as a result, was unwell. As was my custom, I left Antonio in charge of the estates affairs and made the three-hour journey to the capital. She assured me she would be better after some rest and I decided I would finish my affairs as soon as was possible to ensure that tonight she sated her hunger. I should never have left.

As I met with trade liaisons in the capital I was overwhelmed by two emotions, Kayla’s fear and Antonio’s joy. Unspeakable images flashed before my mind’s eye and then there was darkness. I made haste with my apologies and my exit as hurried back to the estate using my supernatural speed as soon as I entered the forested areas that bordered my property. It was already nightfall, and I could see clear up the hardened dirt path leading to the front door of the main house. The door was ajar and light danced on the inside.

I could hear the voices conspiring. They belonged to Antonio’s minions, Rebecca and Bernadine. They spoke of murder. One already committed, the other they still plotted. I was at the door in an instant, but I had smelled the blood long before. It was Kayla’s. My fangs lengthened as I fought to control the rage and bloodlust that threatened to overpower my senses. Bernadine was hunched over Kayla’s limp body with her back to me. Rebecca bloodied and ablaze, faced me as I entered. She lunged at me, a frenzied, murderous ball of fire, but she was not match. As fast as she approached, she appeared to be moving almost backwards to me. I sidestepped her attack and grabbed a handful of hair jerking her head back violently. Still turning, I used my free hand and ripped the cartilage and bone of her neck out, before separating her head from her body. She hadn’t made a sound and now Bernadine faced me. With me eyes fixed on her, I retracted my fangs and spoke.

“You have decided your own fate.” I said looking at Kayla’s lifeless remains, which like Rebecca’s had become unrecognizable tissue. She hissed at me.

“Why?” I asked simply.

“The rightful leader will take his place.” She said smiling.

“Not before you take yours.” I said simply, attacking her with blinding speed. Like Rebecca she was no match for me and moments later I knelt beside Kayla’s remains and shed tears, for the first time in more than a century. There was no bringing her back.

That night there was a silence that I have never experienced and I could not sense the others of my kind. But they were out there and I would have my retribution.

Unrest

As my adopted twin island home reveled in its newfound independence and sought an identity separate from their colonial masters the seeds of discontent were beginning to bear fruit in my coven. Our numbers had swollen to fifteen but a select three had become my council. As our numbers grew I fought to regain the control that I could feel slipping away. I declared that none of our kind should be made by anyone outside the council, knowing that with our kind nothing short of a second death would be a deterrent. There had never been a death of our kind, but as the oldest I was prepared to reduce our numbers and was certain of my superior strength, skill and cunning to make good on this promise.

Antonio remained the only one of my direct making, but I understood that I was father to them all. Antonio became respected and feared by all except Elizabeth who seemed to know that none were as strong or powerful as I was. She had become uninterested with their relationship and had ceased to accommodate his physical desires. The coolness between Antonio and the council grew, as did the resentment I sensed from him. It was not long before I sensed that the divide had infected our coven and that eight of the nine, that were of Antonio’s making, began to align themselves with their maker in this matter of envy. I was saddened by how things had turned with Antonio, but I could not make him a prisoner to a friendship that had soured. I understood that you give your children your best and hope that they honor themselves and you. But, at some point they chart their own course and there is nothing that you can do.

And so it came to pass, when Antonio felt strong enough and had the unyielding support of his own, he came to me with an ultimatum. I was enjoying a quiet moment with Kayla, who was excited about her visit from Dominic. She had seen him, for the first time, a few weeks earlier. He was her Eli. We were both pleased with these developments because not all of us had these visitors and as far as I knew Antonio had never met his guardian.

We enjoyed these pre-twilight moments in a sunroom, adjacent to our bedroom. There was an office against the wall with an informal sitting area to the front of it and two large seats that faced the window separated by a coffee table. We sat at the window and I frowned as I felt his presence in our room.

“Forgive me.” He said, doing little to hide his contempt for Kayla.

“Not at all Antonio.”

“I would like a moment, in private.”

Kayla rose without a word and kissed me, before leaving the room and shutting the double doors. I too was becoming intolerant of the pretense.

“What is it Antonio?”

“There is a matter that we must discuss.” He said sitting next to me. “It is long over due.”

“Then please.”

“Of course. I want you to relinquish control of the coven.” He paused for a response. I said nothing. He continued. “You and Kayla will be allowed to stay at this house and carry on your affairs as you see fit. However, I will be responsible for our business matters and all the concerns of the House of Condé. I respect you as my maker, but I can see that you no longer have the resolve for the decisions which are required for our continued existence and our rightful place on this earth.”

Each bitter statement filled me with great remorse and sadness but I gave no superficial indications of my feelings. He sat and considered me with the confidence of a predator, before continuing.

“Good it’s settled. I want to assure you that your past kindnesses will not be ignored and both you and Kayla will be treated with respect.” As he stood to leave, I finally spoke.

“Sit down.” I said firm, but evenly. He sat. “I cannot allow you or anyone else to run this coven and I will not allow my existence to be dictated to me by you or anyone else in this coven. I have sensed your displeasure for some time, but I assure you that you will not like my displeasure visited upon you.” I could feel the anger rising within him, but he held it at bay. “This ends now, by your word.” I continued. “Or I will end it!”

As I watched him bow and leave the room I knew things were too far-gone. We had shown our hands and now we would play them to the bloody end.