Heavy is the Head…

She sobbed uncontrollably, for what felt like hours. I watched her twitch for another half hour before, exhausted, she fell into a deep sleep. Louis was at my back, looking over us both. Since his return, his presence had been a welcome, calming influence on me.

“I’ll watch over her.” He said softly. I stopped at his side before I left the room and for a moment put a hand on his shoulder.

“Thank you.” I said, turning my mind to other matters. As I returned to the study walking past members of my, now considerable, coven I weighed the decision of asking them to stand with me in a battle against one of us. One who looked more like them and was actually defining their existence on the island, for better or worse. My concern however, is the safety of Ngozi and my new brood. Their decision to leave Winston and join me deserved my respect and loyalty.

I felt his presence before I entered the darkened room. A single boot was illuminated by moonlight as I entered. It quickly disappeared into shadow. I walked over to my desk and sat in my chair with my eyes closed.

“Have you come to talk or for some darker purpose.” I said evenly, my eyes still closed.

“Impressive.” He said with genuine admiration. “I’m sure none of the others know I’m here.”

“I made you.” I said.

“Ah yes. You can sense when I’m close, my feelings as well I suppose?”

“I can feel you.” I began slowly, opening my eyes. “And I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that there is less in the way of feelings that I can sense than before I made you what you are.”

He laughed softly and walked into the moonlight so that I could admire his impressive stature. Impeccably dressed in a dark suit, elegant, enthralling…dangerous.

“You feel so much remorse for what you do. For making me what I am. What I saw as a strength before I became like you I now recognize as…well as something that would make this existence less than it should be.”

“I know. You are not the first to suggest that I should be more grateful for this gift. Is that what were calling it now? This bloodlust, this affliction.”

His smile disappeared, as he studied me considering his next words more carefully.

“I do not blame you Nicholas. I am grateful for what you have done for me.”

“Don’t you mean to you?”

He walked to the window and continued.

“Somebody has to lead Nicholas. One of us has too. For our kind there can be no room for doubt. They all need to know who that leader is.”

“So now you are an expert on what we are and what we need. So my silence is not enough. Our discretion is not enough. You need me to call you leader before all…to bow before you?”

“Please Nicholas. I want you to have your freedom, to lead your own coven as you have been doing…but they feel threatened and uncertain about who is the rightful leader. About who will lead us all if that time comes.” He turned to me, pleading with his eyes.

“Winston I am so sorry. But this does not end well, at least not the way you want it to. Too much has been done already.”

For a fleeting moment before he responded I did feel an emotion from him. Fear.

“I hope you reconsider Nicholas. I didn’t mean for Ngozi to be harmed in anyway…or her family. But, there are no easy decisions for the one who will lead us.” I heard the window open and then silence.

“No.” I said to the empty room. “There are no easy decisions…”

The Makings of War

I remember the beginnings of this tumultuous time as if it were a yesterday from my mortal days. It had been months since Ngozi had seen me, but I was keeping distant watch over her. We were bonded by blood, so even before she showed up at our coven I sensed the sorrow in her. I can only suspect that covens and other extraordinary sects are only able to survive, to remain hidden, by the success of their business interests. Winston’s coven and ours was no different. I was balance the books of our businesses when Louis knocked on the door to my study.

“Please.” I said evenly. “Send her in.” Save for the light from a solitary desk lamp, my office space was in complete shadow. She entered quietly and her sent and sadness seemed to fill the room. She stood still before the empty chair facing me, breathing shallowly.

“It’s good to see you Ngozi. Please, sit.”

When she sat I could see her reddened eyes and puffy face. Still, she was silent, avoiding my eyes.

“I know you are troubled. What is it?” I asked gently.

“I’ve always cared for you Nicholas.” She began slowly. “But I’ve also blamed you for some things. Most of all Richard. But it’s no excuse for how I’ve treated you recently.”

“You never have to apologize to me Ngozi. I have brought unusual troubles to your life.”

“Perhaps, but you have also shown me kindness. I am sorry Nicholas and now I feel like I’ve played a role in a far greater tragedy.” She paused as tears rolled off her cheeks and fell on her hands.

“My son’s wife. My son’s wife and child are dead...they killed them.” Her face was now in her hands, as her body shook with another wave of tears and I soon realized that I was cradling her in my arms muttering no in disbelief…

Pride & Rationalization

It’s interesting how quickly memories of mortality fade for some of us. Winston’s new motivation was tied to the pride and insensitivity of humans. He said that, for the most part, humans were a compassionate race but some of them caused serious harm to themselves and us. Put simply, mortals were conceited enough to believe that not only were they most intelligent of God’s creatures but they were also the greatest. Arguably, we are privy to empirical evidence that differs.

Still, I think absolutes are problematic and this near vindictive defense of superiority lends itself too easily to prejudice and the abuse of power. I concede that I have lived through slavery and have reaped the benefits and privilege that are an accepted norm because of the color of my skin. Similarly I cannot claim to fully understand the stigma and disadvantages that are the result of being colored, but I acknowledge their existence. So it is interesting to see a person of color newly remade with this power argue the pride and conceit of mortals.

Certainly, the new motivations of my friend…my victim, Winston, are more complex than these concepts of privilege and power, but it is part of his rationalization. As a coven we are less active and visible than Winston’s. They are beginning to clearly define their own existence on the island and have begun to form interesting political and business alliances on the island. Our existence is now more than rumor in certain circles, but we remain in the shadows trying not to interfere too much in the lives of those who live amongst us. By its very nature this has set up a very uneasy relationship between covens where our peaceful co-existence seems tentative.

There’s a race dynamic at play as well even though vampires of color dominate both covens. There is no ignoring that Winston is black and I am white. Even I feel he is more entitled, better suited, to be Ngozi’s protector. But I am wary and watchful...

Déjà vu

Compassion is a wonderful mortal trait, but for our kind it’s often a liability…to have it ourselves or for any of you to harbor such a delicate emotion for our kind. I reminded myself of this as Winston moved further from the man I knew. But I was several lifetimes away from the man I was as well. He had to change, he lost everything including his own life in the bargain and now he was without the short lived revenge that had driven him to this point. Maybe the newfound power was enough or perhaps he was still motivated by revenge, revenge for what he now was.

           Katherine’s absence was the beginning of an awkward time for us. Winston said she had to attend to business matters for the coven overseas. It was mostly true, part of our ‘legitimate’ inheritance from the previous leadership. Had I followed my misgivings some of what followed may have been prevented, but lives would have always been lost.

           It was at this time to that Ngozi became bewitched by Winston. She had never been taken in by my kind. Still, she bonded with Winston in a way that she couldn’t with me. She had seen his pain, empathized with him, known him before he became a vampire, a soucouyant leader. So when he asked her to move in with him, to allow him to look after her, she conceded. He understood in ways I couldn’t he was native to the island like she was, they shared the same skin, the same struggle and she was tired of feeling like she could no longer be a part of her own world and unable to live in mine.

           By the time news of the death in Ngozi’s family reached our shores the split in the coven was more than philosophical. I could no longer resist leadership and Winston even consented to almost half the coven who decided they wanted to follow Louis and I. “We want the same things Nicholas.” He had said before we left. “We just differ ever so slightly on how we should go about achieving it.” Maybe he was right. We could co-exist. But really, who was I trying to fool. I had seen this movie more than once and was all too familiar with the ending…

The Devil is in the Details

We experienced another period of calm and what many considered growth. I remained cautious in my optimism that, if not delusional, certainly felt illusionary at times. I did my best to act as an advisor to Winston and initially our new professional relationship worked well, but there was also a subtle division at play. Louis and I may have had better intentions at heart, so to speak, however we were not as politically expedient as other members of our inherited court.

Katherine was enamored with the new leadership and the power it represented. She had witnessed Winston take Marcus’ head and with it his place and had recognized the opportunity to be of service and to be closer to the seat of power. I had seen her kind in this life and the one before and I was certain that she was no stranger to using her wit and charm to achieve her desires.

It was clear to me, and not before too long, that there were two distinct arms of our new executive. Louis and I were decidedly more comfortable with remaining in the shadows, discreetly acquiring wealth, and assisting our mortal counterparts when the opportunity arose. While Winston, who was now constantly accompanied by Katherine, had little misgivings about demonstrations of our superior strength and resources.

Winston was driven to leadership by revenge and perhaps his sense of reason had perished with Marcus. In any event, he maintained that there was work that we could do to the benefit of the people and the island. And because he was so recently one of them, fighting in defense of better for his people, and because both Louis and I wanted to stop taking from this beautiful country and its people we accepted. We wanted desperately to believe that we could work together to somehow change our lot, but if you have been following my story to this point you know that this power that we have is all consuming…corrupting. There were things being whispered into Winston’s ear that would ultimately prompt an impulsively act that would seriously impede any progress we made to this point.