I am not Alone

In my mortal days I, like many of you, was aware of an unseen presence at different times in my life. There were times when this presence brought me comfort and other times when it only enhanced doubt and fear. But it is easier to rationalize these feelings as some sort of faceless feeling of peace or apprehension…that is unless you have seen the truth.

I have seen these unseen watchers amongst us. I see them now only because my eyes and my sight no longer belong to this world. At first I was unable to distinguish between them. These attractive, impeccably attired beings shared characteristics, but there were differences. Because echoes of my humanity still persist, there are those amongst us with whom I feel what I can only describe as an intense remorse for my very existence. And of course there are the others with whom I feel a strong sense of kinship.

One evening as I sat in a private booth having a cup of tea, anticipating the thirst, one whose presence was becoming a constant companion engaged me. He approached quietly, his benevolent gaze fixed on me. I felt at once ashamed and tranquil. As with La Safer, I could not be sure whether or not his lips moved when he spoke, but I was certain that I alone was aware of his presence.

“I am Eli.” He said before sitting. All I could do was wordlessly admire his perfection.

“There is more to this existence. Another may have created you however you still have choices. First you must learn to master this appetite.” The word appetite resonated with me and I felt the hunger return with great intensity. At this point I am not sure whether I left his company, or he mine.

I have had my own theories on these entities, much of which have been proven true over centuries of existence. These spirit watchers of good and evil, angels and demons if you like, stand in vigilance over our every thought and deed. They can assist and intercede on our behalf but only if there is a sincere belief, desire and need on our parts. These pre-existing conditions must all be met because of our gift of free will. Thus, the un-explained warning of danger you sense is an angel speaking to you through the spirit connection of your unconscious and that desire to do harm or evil would be his demon counterpart doing the same. This is the divine struggle that is being waged constantly for our souls.

How do I then reconcile my own existence and actions you might ask? And I would respond that this question is asked in hindsight without the benefit of my experience or knowledge. There is so much more I will share. For now I will concede this, that from all I have seen, I know that these lines between good and evil have been blurred over time by blood and it will take the help of the fallen, as well, to save our humanity.

A new Existence

In the first months of my new life I fought to create an average existence for myself. There was no fear of being caught, or even consequence, but there was the fear of having to leave familiar surroundings before I understood what I had become.

I decided it would be best to maintain particular appearances. I had not been on particularly good terms with my family, before the deaths of those closest to me, but I remained friendly with my first cousin Louis II de Bourbon, son to my mother’s sister. He was a highly skilled and very efficient soldier but I enjoyed his discretion and the ease of his company. The time we spent discussing religion, the changing political landscape of France and impending war, almost made my affliction feel like something less monstrous than the greed of men.

However my nights continued to be my bane. I anticipated my heightened self with an unhealthy fascination. So strong was the need to feed, at this time, that I would often excuse myself from my cousins company in anticipation of twilight. I had taken to carrying a satchel with ‘dinner clothes’ to attract less suspicion, but there was an empty confidence and primal power that was especially heightened at these times that intoxicated even my own sensibilities.

At times, I imagined that Louis suspected something, how could he not? But I had been through a personal tragedy that had sent many in my time to the asylum, so allowances for idiosyncratic behavior were made. For a time I even toyed with sharing my secret with Louis, or worse. But before I could commit either mistake he was summoned by the king to lead the forces of our region, against the encroaching Spanish. He requested that I join him as his second in command, but I thought better of it.

I was more comfortable with my abilities during the daylight hours. My financial concerns were growing and I was becoming very adept at using my hypnotic glance to influence more than my nocturnal victims to yield to my will. Louis was the closest thing to a friend that still remained from my old life, but with him gone I returned in earnest to my conflict. The more comfortable I became in my skin, the more I was unsettled by the attention of others. In some ways there seemed to be more beings on earth. There were those who did not find my gaze glamorous and from whom I could detect a strange kinship. I was most unsettled by the constant presence of one in particular that seemed to take a particular interest in me. I was reminded of La Safer when I noticed his constant watch and for the first time I considered what the limits of my existence were, and the intent of others like me.

Re-made in Death

In the moments before I opened my eyes to this new life, I died. I endured mortal pain for the last time. It was excruciating. I felt my chest expand, bones break and my heart implode. And then I felt nothing. There was no heartbeat, only silence.

Then I tasted the blood, dark, sensuous, rich with life and my heart started again. Pounding in my ears, I felt the presence of another heart and I opened my eyes and saw the creature before me. The one I was feeding on. A wonderfully grotesque figure, with an imposing physical presence and what appeared to be oversized, soft, warm wings that engulfed us both. But this new hunger was more powerful than any fear I might have felt. I closed my eyes and continued to feed and then I heard a familiar voice.

“Slowly young one.” He said with a benevolence I had not detected in his tone before. “This is your first day and there is much more.”

I continued to drink, slower, feeling now what I can only describe as a sacred connection with Henry la Safer. It was as though I could communicate with him wordlessly, and he with I. At this point I could not even be sure if he was speaking.

“You’ve had enough.” He said finally and again I opened my eyes. Now he appeared mortal again, and painfully handsome. He looked at me with a father’s admiration, before eventually saying. “I have given you all you will ever need to get all you have ever wanted. Go now, and do what you must.”

And then he was gone. So abrupt was his disappearance that, for a moment, I questioned the certainty of all that preceded it. In the hours left before dawn, on this new day, all I could still taste was blood. I felt physically stronger, superior really, and all my senses felt extreme. I could see well beyond a thousand yards. I could now hear the heartbeats of persons asleep in their homes. I could smell everything mortal for miles but the hunger for more blood was more overpowering than any of these new abilities.

My very first victim was a young banker contentedly making his way home after spending an intimate evening with his love. I could smell her perfume and her sweat mingled with his musk and I could here the blood pumping from his heart. He looked up with a pleasant smile and caught my eyes and his smile broadened. I backed into a dark alley and I could almost feel his pulse slow as his pupils widened. He seemed entranced by me and even though it felt like I had just fed I was eager to drain his life from him. As my teeth tore at his flesh and sank into an artery, his body fought to cling to life. But he was no match for my strength or savagery.

I fed on five more unfortunate souls before dawn in an attempt to sate my new thirst and as my appetite ebbed I was horrified by the cost of my new existence.

Will you Invite me in?

People have unrealistic expectations. Not just of others, but mostly of themselves. I believe it comes from living in a cocoon from truth, from reality, until they are forced to face life or death in all its glory or horror. I remember when I was one of you, long before I returned to this island called Trinidad to begin this memoir of my existence. I am called Nicolas de Bourbon, but I am not truly known by most others that walk the earth. Perhaps this is why I do this, so that you can know that your fear of the shadows and things that go bump in the night pale in comparison to the truth. That I exist is far worse than anything you can imagine.

I can recall my human beginnings, before I became what I am now. It was my fortieth year and I was a wealthy, French aristocrat without a fear or need. I was fortunate enough to be the benefactor of years of studies in the arts and philosophy and arrogantly and ignorantly thought that wealth and power was my birthright. But within the span of six months I lost my parents and my pregnant wife to the plague. Everything I considered sacred and safe slipped through my hands like sand and I looked to alcohol and faceless lovers for answers.

Consumed by self-pity, and at my lowest point, I cursed God and prayed for death. Henry de la Safer answered my request. It was with la Safer, or as I have suspected ever since, Lucifer, that I made the deal that has sealed my fate. It is because of me that people on this island, named for the Trinity, have told stories of supernatural occurrences, banshees, deranged old women called soucouyants who can peel off their skin and turn into balls of fire at night, to drain the blood of their victims.

I am the first of my kind, but there are others that can be called vampire. Even more who have made their own bargains and are cursed with other paranormal afflictions. I have much more to tell you of my makings and my experience, but dusk beckons and I must heed her call. Just as you non-believers should heed mine…there are forces of good and evil at work and they require neither your permission nor your belief to exist.